23rd of October, 2019
This piece was first left as a review on the website RateYourMusic. I was reviewing Candy Shop, the single by 50 Cent. This piece still really makes me laugh, at least partially because it has absolutely nothing to do with the music. RateYourMusic has a noble tradition of people leaving interesting but ostensibly irrelevant pieces of writing as reviews for things. A lot of people hate it, I think it's great. Sometimes the pieces of writing are not explicitly about the music itself, but the simple act of taking two totally disconnected pieces of art and confidently claiming that one is a description of the other is an act which endows some new meaning upon both distinct pieces.
I was on the Coroner's Jury for the inquest into the death of a man in the Cadbury's HQ in Uxbridge. He died by poison gas, apparently expelled from a chocolate bar construction machine. One may not know this without the benefit of first hand experience with Cadbury's engineers, but the construction of a Double Decker is a profoundly complex process. It takes upwards of three hours for a single bar to be built by the machine, and just the construction of one bar (and its wrapper) is responsible for the release of more than 18 tonnes of Carbon Dioxide (or CO2 as it is more commonly known by the lay man) into our precious atmosphere!
Now if the enormous risk to our environment were not already reason enough to outright ban the production and sale of Double Deckers in the United Kingdom the bloody machines are shooting out poisonous gas every which way! Ask yourself: would you be comfortable ingesting a carton of printer toner? If the answer is no then you should not be comfortable putting those foul brown cuboids down your gullet. Dissolve a Double Decker in Coca Cola and you'll see (and smell!) for yourself.